Unchanging?

It's hard when I'm chatting with someone and they ask, "So what's going on with you?" My answer is usually, "Nothing, really." But this weekend, I said that to someone and my husband started laughing. "Katherine is actually really busy," he said, and started talking about my job and classes.

Well, here's the thing: I am super busy, but there seems so little of interest to say about the things I'm doing. Or, rather, there's no sound-bite for the things I'm doing. Either I say nothing, or I have to launch into far more detail than anyone but me cares to hear.

The other part to this is that I feel like I have nothing to talk about anymore. If I talk about school, it either sounds like bragging ("The kids love me!") or whining ("I have no idea what's going ON next year and I never seem to get anything DONE!"). If I talk about my classes, it's mostly the whining part (my feelings on my Sociology class alone, for example).

The same thing is happening with LJ right now--I want to say interesting things, but the only interesting things are "deep" things going on in my head. I spend so much time doing schoolwork or at work that I have little left to talk about. I'm not even reading anything lately.

What's a girl to do?

What Makes Being the Mom Hard

I don't want to be Cranky Mom, She of Much Growling. Only here's the thing: I am never, ever, alone. From the moment I wake up in the morning to the time I go to sleep, I am surrounded--okay, minus the three-minute drive to and from work.

I get up at 5:30; my husband and son are already up. I listen to the oldest snuffle through a waffle breakfast and what random observations he has to make. I make critical decisions: breakfast now or later? Studying or exercise? What has to be done today and what can wait until tomorrow? Is the stuff I need thawed for dinner truly thawed?

The two older guys leave and then it's me and the Younger Boy. From the peanut butter sandwich he enjoys with much Mmmphing and lip-smacking to the observations he burns to share (sampling from this morning: "If you could only have the enthusiasm of the mom from Baldo!" "Nancy Drew can fly! That would have been helpful in other games!" "You know, those advice columns seem suspicious, like they wrote them just so they could answer them. Like that Bible one..." "Look, Mom, I'm cat lady!" "Good thing I didn't have homework last night, or I'd never be able to fit all that popcorn in my backpack!" "Oh yeah, Mom, I have a treaty with someone from school...").

By the time he leaves for school, it's time for me to leave, too. Once at school, there is no alone time. Classes come, classes go. Everything--clothes, hair, jewelry, facial expression--is scrutinized. 400 children expect me to remember their name instantly, as well as what class they are in and what they checked out last week and can they have the book that someone else checked out when they bring it back?

After school, it's back home to find children already firmly ensconced. I have a reprieve while they are downstairs playing computer and doing homework, but even so I'm not truly alone with my thoughts. It's time to make dinner, time to remind them of chores, time to check e-mail and task lists.

With my computer and homework in the dining room, everything I'm doing is readily visible and of supreme interest. If I try to take a break and talk with the kids, they're monosyllabic. But let me open my textbook, or navigate to the college Distance Learning site, and suddenly the boys have urgent insights and conversation to share--or they have a burning need to argue and bicker at length.

It isn't that I am sad that they share. Lots of moms wish their kids would talk to them! It isn't that I need quantities of time all alone--I am a people person! It's just that by mid-week (say, right now), I am starting to feel the pressure of being interested and companionable all the time. I can't wait for summer, when I can conceivably toss the kids into the backyard and lie on the sofa, blissfully alone, and read or just think again.

Library Final of Doom

So I have a final exam coming up, and like a good student I printed out the study guide. The professor says, "Oh, don't worry, the final isn't hard. Just study what's on the study guide."

Only what's on the study guide is, essentially, a listing of the major course objectives. Um?

1) Summarize the history and philosophy of Library Media Centers and their services.

All the way on down to

12) Examine and discuss the laws and issues relating to copyright, intellectual freedom, censorship, and privacy as they relate to school Library Media Center services.

That's not intimidating in anyway. Oh, and we can't navigate away from the test screen and use our papers and files from online...no, those would have to be printed out.

*gulp*